Monday, April 9, 2012
Fist Pumpiness is Not My Style
As I sit here, wondering what to write, I eat another chocolate. It has truly been an Easter blow out, starting with the baking of Brownies on Friday. Admittedly I have not eaten a single Easter egg, but have had a few chocolates and at least half my body weight in hot cross buns.
Those who know me will know I'm on the Michelle Bridges 12WBT (12 Weeks Body Transformation) program and I've been going okay with it over the past 8 weeks. I've had a few slip ups and bad days, but generally I've been eating well and exercising, which in itself is a huge improvement on my non existent prior health and fitness regime.
However, I've not been able to fully embrace this program, just as I've never been able to fully embrace any weight loss, healthy living program in the past. And believe me, I've tried a few! I've listened to all the motivation video's Michelle sends us, I've read the blog posts and forum discussions. I've seen photos of people who have lost some amazing amounts of weight and have transformed their lives. But still, I'm not inspired enough to fully embrace it. By "fully embrace it" I mean living and breathing everything about it. I follow the food plans, somewhat and I follow the exercise guidelines, albeit loosely. I think about what I'm going to eat and I make sure I do some exercise everyday, but I am not fanatical about the program. Not like many of the others who are on it.
Why? That's exactly what I've been wondering. Why? Do I lack willpower? Probably. Do I eat for comfort? Yes. Do I love food? Yes. Do I believe I should give up my favourite things and become obsessed with what I put into my body? No. I think that last question is the key for me. I've never been a fanatical type person and I don't think I ever will be. And as I've come to realise lately, nor do I want to be.
I don't really like the "fist pumpiness" that comes with these programs. I feel like it is all or nothing, and if you can't give your all you are somehow failing. There is no middle ground, no grey area. You either want to lose weight and get fit and you commit to follow the rules religiously or you will fail. Simple as that. This doesn't sit well with me. When I watch shows like biggest loser and the trainers yell at the participants and make them feel bad because they are giving up, it bothers me, a lot. I know why they do this and I know it is meant to keep the participant going, but to me it feels like the trainers have the power, the answers and the fat person must obey them or forever stay fat. Like I said, the "fist pumpiness" of it all it is a bit too much for me, if I don't follow the leader, I will not be saved. This is not my style.
I'm definitely feeling better and I've lost 6 kilos since I started this particular program. I would ideally like to lose 4 more kilos and I'm sure if I was focussed and disciplined I could do it easily. I also know, when I finish losing the 4 kilos and I go back to my old habits they will creep on again very quickly.
I don't want to be obsessive about my weight and I don't want to be the one who is always saying, "no I can't eat that, I'm on a program". I want to be fit and healthy and I also want to enjoy good food on my terms. Whilst I'm not sticking religiously to this program, I'm using elements of it and adapting them to fit into my life. I have found an exercise routine that I enjoy and for the first time ever I'm making exercise part of my daily routine. I am not prescriptive about it though - I do whatever I feel like on that particular day. The difference now is I do something every day.
Clean food is definitely appealing and I try not to buy things that are processed or pre made. I am learning to only eat when I'm hungry and for the most part I only want to eat healthy things. However there are times when I really feel like a chocolate brownie or a hot cross bun and I want to be able to eat these without feeling like I am "bad" or a "failure". I'm noticing more than ever how often I say "I've been bad" or "today has been a food fail" and I'm increasingly becoming uncomfortable with this. I'm measuring my worth by what I've put in my mouth - this is wrong. Am I really bad because I ate something delicious?
Life is too short to spend the rest of it eating low fat, low carb, no sugar all the time. When I want to eat chocolate, I shall eat good quality dark chocolate. When I want a brownie, I will either make them myself or buy one from my favourite organic shop. I definitely don't want to put rubbish into my body, but I certainly want to be able to eat foods I love without feeling like I've failed.
If I was to measure my success on this program by my stats and my ability to follow the rules, it would appear that I have failed. This is not true. Whilst I may not be "fist pumping", I am happy that I have learnt a lot about myself and it is more important to focus on how I'm feeling as opposed to how much I weigh.