Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Not My Circus


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Back in February I wrote about how I was ready for my children to leave the nest ... you can read about it here

My boys are still at home here with us, and even though I still stand by that post, I'm not disappointed, because if the truth be known I do enjoy their company and I would miss them, a lot.

What I really don't want to do is look after them.   Menopause is bearing down on me like a freight train which I just can't stop.  With it comes the stock standard hot flushes, dry skin, foggy brain and moodiness.   I totally accept the first three things, but I don't accept the moodiness.

I don't believe I am moody, and for those who are close to me (meaning those who actually live with me), you may not like hearing that what you perceive as moodiness is here to stay.  Rather than me being moody, I believe I have fundamentally changed as a person.  Not because I decided I want to be different, but because hormonally I am now different.

I no longer produce hormones that play a part in making babies.  The maternal instincts I once had have been replaced with something new ... I call them the "circus" hormones.  Thanks to Kelly Higgins-Devine, one of my work colleagues, I have taken on a new mantra this year.  "Not my circus ... not my monkeys."   I am no longer buying into things that I am not responsible for, and in some instances, things I don't care about.

I know this isn't sitting too well with my children and I'm sure they think I don't love them or support them anymore.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  I love them more and more as the years go by.  The bottom line is I just don't want to look after them anymore.

A couple of times in recent weeks I could have stepped in and tried to "fix" some things for my boys.  I didn't.  They were a bit surprised.  I was a bit surprised.  Not because I didn't help, but because I actually didn't feel bad.  It wasn't my circus, and they weren't my monkeys.

Possibly you are reading this and thinking that I am selfish and not a very good mother.  You are right on one account.  I am being selfish and that is because this is my time to be selfish.  It is the time for me to worry about me, to nurture me and to do the things that make me happy.   After twenty years of everything being about my children and how what I do might impact on them, the last few years have seen a gradual shift to me changing my priorities. 

Am I a good mother?  There's not a yes or no answer to this question.  I've tried my best.  At times I know I've been spectacular and at other times not so good, but I think that is fairly standard across the realm of motherhood. 

At the heart of it all I do love my children deeply and my support is always there.  It's just different.   I'm different and I'm comfortable with that.

Turning 50 next month ... I'm not comfortable with that.  Not. One. Little. Bit.  But that's a whole other blog post.  Unfortunately that is my circus and 50 is my monkey!


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8 comments:

  1. OMG Annie! YES! Finger meet button.

    I'm not far behind you...July baby here.

    Ax

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  2. I cant agree with you more. I am 56 and mother of 4 gorgeous adult childten. Yes you do let go of the day-to-day responsibilities and find you have resilient children who can look after themseves and fight their own battles but YOU NEVER STOP LOVING AND SUPPORTING THEM. Then you take on your new role of being a grandparent.........

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  3. I hear ya Annie. I just spent a week in Melbourne with my offspring and loved that they now fuss over me and are so lovely to me. It's like they have realised just how much I did for them when they were at home.

    Turning 50 is empowering and you need to embrace it and all that goes with it.

    With the menopause symptoms you really don't need to suffer with the changes that are happening. You need to find yourself a GP who specialises in sex hormones. I can refer you to someone here on the Gold Coast. He sends you to get blood tests to check all your hormone levels then corrects any that are low with bio-identical hormones. You can fight the ageing process by having your hormones balanced. I have spent a couple of years researching hormone imbalances which is what menopause is essentially.

    Belle Samson.

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  4. Great post Annie. Will remember that mantra :). PS I'm 44.5 - when does menopause normally kick in? My kids won't even be in their teens by the sounds of it...

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  5. Love this post Annie. I've shared it with our Facebook page too - give all those parents of teens a taste of what's to come :)

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  6. I loved this, Annie. I think I love you.

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  7. wow great information thanks for sharing with us.

    Thasin
    Bio identical hormones

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Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me x

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