Tonight I am disgusted with myself. In this my 50th year I always said I would be fit and fabulous. I'm not. I am probably the largest and most unhealthiest I've ever been in my life.
In three months I turn 50. This number is significant to me. I feel incredibly lucky to be here, however given the appalling way I am looking after myself right now I am not sure I deserve that right.
My beautiful friends Suzy and Tracy were both incredibly healthy, vibrant women. They looked after themselves by eating healthily and exercising. They loved life. They embraced a healthy lifestyle. Sadly neither will get the chance to see their 50th birthday.
Yet I am here and they are not. I do not have cancer and I am treating my body like I don't care about it.
Like I don't care enough about the people who love me to be as healthy as I can so I can stay here as long as possible with them.
Like I don't care about the memory of Suzy and Tracy and my three other friends who have died in the past 12 months.
The thing is I do care. I care so much yet I can't stop putting food into my mouth. Every night I go to bed filled with self loathing as I think of all the crap I've been eating. I say to myself "tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow I will get up and start the day eating healthily. I will only eat things that are good for me." The problem is, tomorrow never comes. When I wake up it is today and then I repeat exactly what happened on the today that happened yesterday.
It should be so easy. I should be able to get up and eat the food my body needs to work efficiently and do some exercise and go about my day doing the things one does in a day.
Trouble is it isn't that easy. I find myself obsessing about food and what I'm going to eat and when I'm going to eat it. It makes me feel calm to finally eat that something I've been obsessing over. Once I eat it I feel bad, but more often than not I promptly eat another one to make me feel better. I don't feel better.
See what I'm doing here? I do believe they call it emotional eating. I do believe I'm stuck in a vortex of emotional eating and I need to get the hell out of it ... now!
I know this stuff. I understand why I'm doing it yet I struggle to stop. I'm smart and emotionally intelligent, yet when it comes to putting food in my mouth I am totally devoid of intelligence.
Today I have eaten my body weight in food that is made only to line my arteries with fat deposits. I am treating my body with disdain. It does not deserve this. My family doesn't deserve this. My friends don't deserve this. Suzy and Tracy don't deserve this.
I know I've said this before and I know I've let everyone down by not following through with it. I have to get healthy and I have to do it now. My wonderful husband looks after himself so he can be fit and vital as we age. He deserves no less from me.
I am the queen of excuses. So I have a broken thyroid, big deal! I am still alive, I take medication for it and I am healthy. Suck it up princess and just do the things you know you need to do. It is as simple as one two three.
1. Eat the food Lite and Easy deliver you each week. Don't eat anything else.
2. Spend half an hour each day exercising. Just get up, go outside and move!!
3. Stop finding excuses, reasons, lies as to why you can't do 1 and 2 every single day.
This was hard to write and hitting publish is even harder. I need to do this. I need to be accountable. I need to feel some shame. We only get one body and one chance to be the best we can be. Right now I'm pissing that chance up against the wall, so to speak.
Friends I need your help. Please keep me accountable and if you smell the hint of an excuse coming out of my mouth feel free to administer the biggest upper cut you can muster.
I owe it to myself to be fit and fabulous for my 50th birthday in June.