Sunday, March 31, 2013

Fear & Self Loathing in The Gap

Tonight I am disgusted with myself. In this my 50th year I always said I would be fit and fabulous. I'm not. I am probably the largest and most unhealthiest I've ever been in my life.

In three months I turn 50. This number is significant to me. I feel incredibly lucky to be here, however given the appalling way I am looking after myself right now I am not sure I deserve that right.

My beautiful friends Suzy and Tracy were both incredibly healthy, vibrant women. They looked after themselves by eating healthily and exercising. They loved life. They embraced a healthy lifestyle. Sadly neither will get the chance to see their 50th birthday.

Yet I am here and they are not. I do not have cancer and I am treating my body like I don't care about it.

Like I don't care enough about the people who love me to be as healthy as I can so I can stay here as long as possible with them.

Like I don't care about the memory of Suzy and Tracy and my three other friends who have died in the past 12 months.

The thing is I do care. I care so much yet I can't stop putting food into my mouth. Every night I go to bed filled with self loathing as I think of all the crap I've been eating. I say to myself "tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow I will get up and start the day eating healthily. I will only eat things that are good for me." The problem is, tomorrow never comes. When I wake up it is today and then I repeat exactly what happened on the today that happened yesterday.

It should be so easy. I should be able to get up and eat the food my body needs to work efficiently and do some exercise and go about my day doing the things one does in a day.

Trouble is it isn't that easy. I find myself obsessing about food and what I'm going to eat and when I'm going to eat it. It makes me feel calm to finally eat that something I've been obsessing over. Once I eat it I feel bad, but more often than not I promptly eat another one to make me feel better. I don't feel better.

See what I'm doing here? I do believe they call it emotional eating. I do believe I'm stuck in a vortex of emotional eating and I need to get the hell out of it ... now!

I know this stuff. I understand why I'm doing it yet I struggle to stop. I'm smart and emotionally intelligent, yet when it comes to putting food in my mouth I am totally devoid of intelligence.

Today I have eaten my body weight in food that is made only to line my arteries with fat deposits. I am treating my body with disdain. It does not deserve this. My family doesn't deserve this. My friends don't deserve this. Suzy and Tracy don't deserve this.

I know I've said this before and I know I've let everyone down by not following through with it. I have to get healthy and I have to do it now. My wonderful husband looks after himself so he can be fit and vital as we age. He deserves no less from me.

I am the queen of excuses. So I have a broken thyroid, big deal! I am still alive, I take medication for it and I am healthy. Suck it up princess and just do the things you know you need to do. It is as simple as one two three.

1. Eat the food Lite and Easy deliver you each week. Don't eat anything else.

2. Spend half an hour each day exercising. Just get up, go outside and move!!

3. Stop finding excuses, reasons, lies as to why you can't do 1 and 2 every single day.

This was hard to write and hitting publish is even harder. I need to do this. I need to be accountable. I need to feel some shame. We only get one body and one chance to be the best we can be. Right now I'm pissing that chance up against the wall, so to speak.

Friends I need your help. Please keep me accountable and if you smell the hint of an excuse coming out of my mouth feel free to administer the biggest upper cut you can muster.

I owe it to myself to be fit and fabulous for my 50th birthday in June.

32 comments:

  1. I'm with you Annie. Call me anytIme! I'm full of self loathing too atm. It should be easy but it's not. One. Day. At. A. Time. Xx

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    1. It really shouldn't be this hard. I know where you are. We might have to urge each other on xx

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  2. Sending u hugs Annie! I know how rough it is.. I've been there and I've done it! I've lost 40kg, and put 10 or so back on.. I am ashamed. But can I add a few more tasks to your list?

    Don't worry about starting on a Monday, or the first day of the month.. Fall off the bandwagon and jump back on again. Keep urself busy, eat regularly every 3 or so hours and measure what you eat. Record it. Plan ahead for your meals so you don't make rash food decisions out of hunger or boredom!

    And best of all, believe in yourself Annie! xxx you will do this! I promised myself I would be at my goal weight well before now.. But as I look at my figure currently I sigh.. Well both get there!

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    1. Thank you darling girl. You have achieved so much & always inspire me xx

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  3. We all have our vices Annie. I have my own daily regrets too. They're not always with us forever. If emotional eating is the problem, have you thought of getting counselling for that specifically? People who aim to lose weight for a specific goal (weddings especially) often snap back to where they were straight afterward. Treating the cause and not the symptom might gain you longer term success. Good luck xxx

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    1. Thank you Sharon. I am seeing someone. I'm a work in progress so to speak. A healthier body will give me a healthier mind hopefully. Xxxx

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    2. Glad to hear it, Annie I so strongly believe in having support. I forgot to say, one of the reasons I was looking forward to dog ownership again was having those beady little eyes to remind me to go outside. I hope Sam is doing his job ;) xx

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  4. Jenny (@jayjaycee1)March 31, 2013 at 9:36 PM

    Oh Annie...similar story here. I can't bear thinking of not being around for Crusoe (let alone the role model thing, and his relationship with food etc), yet here I am still sabotaging everything I do.

    My 50th isn't for 2 more years. I've given myself 12 months to increase my health, decrease my weight, and change some very unhealthy mindsets around food, trust and self-image. A lifetime's work, I know. But the next 12 months is the first step.

    I wish you all the best. Where's that boombah club when we need it? Stay in touch. We'll help each other. xxx

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    1. We will help each other & I always know you are there as I am always here. Your support means a lot x

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  5. Oh Annie, I know where you are coming from. At start of 2013 I had full intentions of losing 'half of me' but with hubby fighting for his career and well, my problems just aren't listened to , I failed, yet again. If I can make a suggestion get onto Lisa Curry's 10wk programme. It's $99 for her diet plan, exercise plan and encouragement. I tried it, its a great programme but mentally I am in a dark place so I failed. This is about you not me, cut down the sugar intake and exercise at least 30mins and take one day at a time. When working at Southbank, walk from one end to the other, thats something at least. You'll be fine :)

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    1. Thank you Janelle x. You will get there too. And I will look into the LC thing.

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  6. Jenny (@jayjaycee1)March 31, 2013 at 9:40 PM

    And Tracy, well. I feel like I'm failing her! But she'd laugh at that, knowing that I'm being silly, then hug me. Then she'd say, 'True, though, that Life is short. What can I do to support you?'

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    1. We just can't let her down. And we won't!!

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  7. I know we have talked about this many times Annie and I feel that the key is the 'sales pitch' you are peddling to present good....hell... GREAT and logical reasons why you can't, won't, don't want to commit to this journey of health & fitness. Stop the sales pitch!!!! If one of the boys health was on the line, if they were about to get themselves in serious trouble, would you accept 'a line' about it? No, of course not. So one step at a time and when you are contemplating strapping on those shoes and that little voice says "oh Annie, surely you have a window to clean, a hairbrush to de-fuzz" or what-ever ridiculous pitch you are using today... just say STOP! You become the robot - you have no feelings about this activity you are about to embark on. It is no different to washing the clothes, cooking for the family, driving to ABC - this isn't a choice and there is no room for emotion. It.just.is. This is just another job in your day that must be done. No-one is saying you must love it - just like cleaning a window - but it must be done... for your health, for your sons, for your husband and for YOU. Get out there.... its time to be fab & 50!! Ps If you want help/coaching....anything, let me know. Paige xoxox Tough love delivered with a huge hug.

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  8. so so hard to get out of the rut. It's not shame though, hopefully it's just the inspiration to nourish. Best to get into it now before the cold months set in - they are my downfall. My fingers are crossed for you - going public is HALF the battle, turning over that new leaf is the next half. Pip X

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    1. Thank you Pip. Starting is the hardest bit. Putting it out there gives me some accountability. Xxx

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  9. Since I just turned 50 Annie I'm with you that it is a significant number. I applaud your desire to get fit & healthy and using 50 as your goal (I ignored it as best I could lol). Just remember that if you have a small mis-step occasionally it's not a failure and anything that is too inflexible will break instead of bending. So be tough on yourself (& I will remind you if I see you wavering via facebook or twitter) but don't set impossible goals which will only serve to hurt you instead of help. I hope I'm making sense :)

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    1. You are amazing. I didn't realise you had reached 50! I will be expecting your tap on the shoulder when I am wavering xxx

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    2. Got to that number almost a month ago Annie. You were among the few who wished me a Happy birthday on FB but it doesn't say how old I am there :) Actually, I need to organize something about 50... hmmm, more later :)

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  10. You're going to be 50? Get. the. fuck. out.

    Annie, do you like listening to music when you walk/run? I found this was my motivation because I detest exercise. Mine was a combo of just needing to get out of my own head and get away which was why I just started walking and got to running slowly. I say this, but I've been slack lately. Like yourself, working and just general life makes it hard but also, I take every opportunity to just not do stuff.

    Maybe we could check in with each other - even weekly. You look freaking amazing by the way. xx Bern

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    1. Oh Bern you made me smile! You with the goddess body ... I will start running now if I get legs like yours!! Seriously I know what you mean. I might start downloading some podcasts & take the time to have some me time walking. Who knows I might just break out into a run one day! Lets check in on Sundays xx

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  11. Be kind to yourself, you are not a criminal! Just take it day by day, and the momentum will roll along and it will get easier.
    xx

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  12. Cram as much living as you can into every single moment of your life, Annie, that is what we owe those who have gone. Do not waste a single moment feeling guilty because that is what it is, a waste. Its great to get fit and healthy as long as it is a fun process, not filled with self-loathing for every little 'wrong' thing you do. Why live a long life if it is filled with miserable moments counting calories you've gained and lost? What's the point? Go out and enjoy yourself... dance when you feel like dancing, run when you feel like runnning, have a nap when you feel like napping... JUST LIVE!

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  13. I read this last night and it upset me so much I lay awake worrying about you! Please no self-loathing: knowing the obstacles you have had to overcome (I heard 'Conversations') you have achieved so much. Glad to see your friends have rallied to your call.

    I actually was a fat kid/eating disorder teenager and continue to think of myself as a fat person in a... well not skinny... but normal body body. It's hard work, especially as you get older & your metabolism slows to snail's pace. The things that work for me are:

    1. East low GI - so no white bread, potatoes, white rice etc. This reduces carbs in general but does not eliminate them, which is unsustainable.
    2. Lite n Easy Dinners. For me it's the evenings which are my weak spot. Buying these in and eating them several nights a week (those nights when you're really tired after work etc.) means no food preparation & therefore no temptation eat takeaway/gorge on crap. Bonus: my teenage boys like them too!
    3. Exercise. I tweeted a study last week that supported Bern's theory - music makes you exercise longer & harder. I do personal training and Bodypump. The last is brilliant for your bones and mood.
    4. Reduce alcohol (this remains a work in progress for me!).

    Good luck. It's important to look after your health but not to castigate yourself for slipping up sometimes. xx

    PS I saw your lovely Brisbane photos from your walk the other day so you must be doing something!

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  14. Well done, you, for hitting Publish! There are so many of us who feel this way but don't express it. One of our fellow food bloggers just started a Facebook group you might be interested in joining. https://www.facebook.com/groups/134670266714745/ It's private so you have to request membership but I think you'll find support there.

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  15. One beautiful tale of im gonna! burp!

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  16. Oh Annie

    Well done for putting this out there. You know how I feel exactly the same way you do. I am obsessed with food. Obsessed. Even yesterday when I saw a photo of your beautiful family at their Easter lunch I peered into the bowls on the table because I was salivating over the food (was it gnochhi?)

    I know the feeling of going to bed feeling disgusted with myself and falling asleep with resolve that tomorrow it will be different but then waking up and eating that resolve before breakfast.

    A life on a diet frightens me - not only am I obsessed about food but I love eating. So... I am currently trying out The Fast Diet (eating normally 5 days and fasting 2 days). Everyone, including strangers, admonishes me for it but FOR ME it's great. In fact I am going to write about it soon...

    Well done for putting it out there. Remember above all else - to love yourself because you deserve it

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  17. "If you focus on results, you will never change.
    If you focus on change, you will get results."
    ~Jack Dixon~

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  18. Measure success with a new yardstick,comparison/competition bring less satisfaction than knowing you're doing your best.

    Be the very best version of yourself Annie, not what you THINK everyone else wants you to be.

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  19. Oh how I relate. My crime is not eating. I am depressed and have no appetite. I have to force myself to eat even the tiniest amount of healthy food. But also, I have to force myself to exercise. All the things I used to love ... good food, exercise, feeling good about myself. And I know exercise raises endorphins, which makes me feel better. It is finding the motivation to start. Clearly, there is a lot of support here online, so maybe it won't be as hard as we think?

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  20. Oh sweetheart I read your words completely understanding you. I hear you. I actually think I might be you. Did you crawl inside my heart and soul and write everything down. You want to know what's changed a bit for me lately. I've stopped being so hard on myself. I've started not dieting or looking for a fix to lose weight. I've just started eating healthier. A little less sugar, a few less wines etc. When I have something yummy I make sure it's super amazing and I only have a little bit. You know, like a dark gooey choc brownie or a small piece of amazing cheese. And slowly I've been losing weight. Slower than I've ever done so in the past, but I feel better and instead of creeping up in weight, I've been creeping down. Little, by little.

    You are an amazing woman. Be kinder on yourself xx

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Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me x

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