Dear Advertising Executives
Uncircumsised men have sweat and body oils forming under the foreskin, specifically under the hood and behind the penis crown, creating a cheesy looking gunk called smegma. This needs to be cleaned daily in the shower by pulling back the skin and washing thoroughly, otherwise a nasty odour will develop, leaving you feeling less than fresh. Our special soap is designed to make this process a more pleasant experience. Every man wants a fresh clean penis so he can go about his day with confidence. Cue ... music and beautiful women paying him extra attention.
Did that just make you squirm? Put you off your breakfast? Dinner? Intimate relations with your partner?
"You know even that bit of discharge in between our periods is our body working to keep the vagina healthy and that damp, less than clean feeling is why *insert company name* has designed these fresh liners with an absorbent core to lock away wetness and odour, helping you feel clean, dry and fresh every day."
Yet they are both facts of life. We shouldn't be ashamed of what our bodies do, and we most definitely shouldn't have a problem with calling a vagina and a penis exactly what they are.
Yes, there is a however.
I'm no prude. In fact, I love to find the "naughty" side of most things, as people who know me well will atest to.
I don't want to be reminded of vaginal discharge on my television. I have a vagina and I know what it does, as I'm sure most women do. Little girls don't need to know about vaginal discharge until they are older. Little boys, teenagers, husbands and fathers never need to know about vaginal discharge ... ever.
Just like women don't need to know about "cheesy gunk" that can build up under the foreskin of an uncircumcised penis. We don't need, nor want to know about it ... ever.
The only cheesy I want to see or hear on my television are ads for actual cheese that I can put on a cracker and enjoy with a fine wine. Yet after seeing an ad for keeping a penis fresh and clean, I doubt I would ever want to eat cheese again!
Personally, I'd be happy to settle for more cheesy advertisements.
For example, to advertise personal hygiene, I'd much prefer to see a pretty girl in a floaty dress with an "air of freshness" about her or a handsome man with freshly washed hair and a towel around his waist, promoting that "just washed" look.
Can we have a little bit of mystery around personal hygiene ads again please?
Can we bring back sexy?
There's nothing wrong with not stating the obvious. We don't need to be politicially correct in every single aspect of our lives. Especially personal hygiene on the television. Let's leave the nitty gritty of this to the chemist shop or family planning clinic.
We run the risk of the next generation growing up to believe that a woman's vagina is not a place of mystery, intrigue and desire, but a damp, smelly area that should always be adorned by a panty liner of some description.
I predict a sharp decline in oral sex.
Do you, the advertising people of Australia, want to be responsible for this?
PS: Do not get me started on toilet paper with ripples ...