Saturday, June 9, 2012

I'm a room full of packing boxes - that's who I am.


Edenland's Fresh Horses Brigade

Someone I admire greatly, who says it how it is, who appears "don't mess with me tough", yet can be precariously fragile asked the tough question today.  Who am I?

Here is Eden's answer.

Here is mine.


Who I am really depends on the day.

Some days I'm a happy, contented and loving life.  Other days I'm not.

Some days I cower away inside my house, insecure, unworthy, full of self loathing and wondering just what it is I have to offer.  Other days I know exactly what I have to offer.

Some days my heart is singing with joy and filled with love and I feel ten feet tall.  Other days I'm very short.

Some days I have no voice, I have nothing to offer, nothing to contribute.  Other days I just can't stop talking.

Some days I am happy to be anonymous, quietly pottering away in my home, keeping to myself.  Other days I want to be the centre of attention.

Reading back over what I just wrote it occurred to me that we are all like this.  We aren't the same every single day. There are so many variables that will influence the state of mind in which we will spend our day.

So is this really who I am?  Is my state of mind the barometer of who I am or does it go deeper than this?

Damn you Eden Riley.  You are making me go deeper.  To that dark place where the "real" me hides out eating cake and drinking hot chocolates when she knows she should be exercising. 

There is a saying ... "when the student is ready, the teacher will come".    Today I feel like Eden is my teacher and I am the student.

Stripping back all the white noise and stuff, this is what I find.

I am me.  I am female.  I am almost 49.  I am a wife.  I am a mother.  I am a daughter.  I am a friend.  I am a sister.  I am flawed.  I am deeply compassionate, my empathy knows no bounds.  I am generous.  Paradoxically, despite my compassion and empathy I am not always able to show love.  I am complicated.  I can seem cold, aloof.  I am not.  I feel things deeply, so deeply that they physically affect me.  To survive I've also learned to pack my feelings into little boxes so they can't hurt me.

I've been struggling with some major issues going on in our life.  They are currently nearing the end and almost resolved.  The journey through this process has been emotionally tiring.  I've had to put a lot of my feelings away in boxes.  Like I've moved house and not yet unpacked.   Every now and then the boxes split open and the contents burst out all over the floor, but I've been able to tape the boxes shut.

During this process I've been unable to write a lot.  When my feelings are boxed away I become that cold, aloof person who can be quite self absorbed.  I run out of energy to give to others and I don't really like who I am during these times.   I find it ironic that in order to survive I have to be the person I least like to ensure the person I believe I truly am makes it through.  Safely and in tact.

Human beings are complicated.  Because of this we all should be much kinder to each other.  At any given time nobody really knows what another human being is trying to keep boxed up.  Instead of trying to rip the tape and make their boxes spill out all over the floor, why don't we spend more time lending our packing tape to them? 

So to answer Eden's question.  I do believe I am a room full of packing boxes.  Who would have thought? 


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22 comments:

  1. I feel the same way about the boxes.I think it is a self preservation thing.I used to be so open with my feelings until over twenty years ago,two months before my wedding I found out my sister was having an affair with my fiance.I left him,forgave her but lost part of me.It was placed in a box.
    I would gladly lend you packing tape anytime you needed Annie as I know what it feels like to have that box ripped open when you dont want it to be.xx

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    1. Thanks Deb. I'm sure it is something we all do and I would also lend you my packing tape. We need more sharing and less ripping. xx

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  2. I was nodding my head as I read your post - you are right, we are different every day. I totally agree with more sharing and less ripping - if only everyone would buy into this idea !
    Have a great weekend.
    Linking in from edenland.
    Me

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    1. Thank you Me! We need to ban ripping!!!

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  3. Annie, I really like your analogy with the packing boxes. We're all "packed" differently and sometimes our boxes contain hidden treasures that aren't immediately obvious. All of us need "Fragile: Handle with Caution" taped to us at times! Kindness is unfortunately underrated in our world. Like you, I would love to see more of it.

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    1. I love it when I find a hidden treasure and yes Fragile stickers would be perfect. Perhaps it would stop people trying to rip us open at vulnerable times. xx

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  4. Oh how I hear you...tightly packed in my own little box & hoping/praying for someone to lend me that packing tape/Stanley knife so I can break out and be Big Al once more. Beautifully written, as always lovely Annie xx

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    1. I'm going to come over very soon & undo a little bit of your tape & hop in that big old box with you. xxxx

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  5. Tears, from your honesty and clarity. And from the image of you sitting in a room, taping up all the boxes that have fallen open (again.)

    I would totally sit in there with you, order a pizza, hand you some tape. And make you laugh.

    Thank you, so much, for linking up today Annie. The things that people are saying in their posts .. are restoring my faith. In everything.

    XXXXX eden

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    1. Please bring cake to have after the pizza. I'm make us a hot chocolate and we can stuff our faces and laugh our heads off and try & tape up the broken boxes together. xxx

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  6. Oh how I hear you about the survival instinct leading you to become the aloof person you don't like. I've been hiding out at home more lately than usual, trying to work through some big boxes. I don't have much energy to hand out at the moment, but all the same I'm never ever mean. More kindness is what we need. Absolutely right Annie. xxx

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    1. Sounds like we've both got a room full of boxes right now. Let's hope we get them unpacked soon. Take care lovely xx

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  7. Well hot damn it's that just typical of a strong woman to find an effective way to deal with mess. Even if the current mess is emotions and life.

    Pick it up, pack it up and keep the place looking tidy.

    I hope you get to unpack and enjoy your life fully once more.

    xA

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  8. I loved that last paragraph, I couldn't agree more - the world could do with so much more compassion sometimes.

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  9. I love this Annie. Love the last paragraph and the idea of packing boxes. We do keep some of them really tightly sealed with reams and reams of tape don't we.

    xxx

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  10. Beautiful analogy Annie. So very apt.

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  11. Love your words. I truly understand that roomful of packing boxes thing.. (in fact, boxes get a mention in my post too) - and my heart aches for your sadness. I hope there is laughter and happiness soon. x

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  12. Wow, wow, wow! How many people read that today and thought that sounds like me? I did! Thank you for opening up a little more of me to the people of love. x

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  13. A room full of packing boxes. I love that, Annie. x

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  14. Hit the nail on the head all the way down the page. You reminded me to take my tape out and about to help some people who need it. I don't like it when all the boxes fall apart at the same time :(

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  15. This is a really great post. You seem so similar to me in many ways. thank you for opening up x

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    ReplyDelete

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me x

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